To All: Blue collar, poor, illegal, and unemployed citizens and (non)citizens of America:
Houston, we have a problem. It’s not even January and we need to tell you some bad news. First, thanks to your votes we are in control of congress. By putting us in power, you will play a big role in what’s to come. We have prioritized our agenda so you can see all the exciting plans we have.
First, we plan to raise taxes. This will allow us to give you a tax credit. We know many of you don’t pay taxes now, but this will still get you a nice check. The money will come from the very rich and from greedy corporations. If you get laid off because your company can’t survive in the recession and higher taxes cause another round of expense cuts, we are truly sorry. Companies, big and small, just can’t seem to learn from the government, big and small, that expense cuts just aren’t done. If your 401K goes down another 30% because tax increases in a recession are a bad idea, we’re sorry. We, in the new administration, plan to take over your 401K and run it for you to take this worry off your hands. Just like the social security you pay for and will never see.
Next big plan. We are going to attack global warming with a vengeance. That crap about agreeing to offshore drilling, forget it. We are even going to stop the onshore drilling in Utah. No drilling period. No nuclear period. We are going to tax big oil and use that money to create new forms of renewable energy. Now, if forecasts are correct and the crude supply goes down more in 2009 than demand does and prices go up again, no worry. The new Department of Renewable Energy headed by Al Gore will be bigger than the Department of Homeland Security by 2010. There will be lots of exciting new jobs there for you if you have a PHD. If not, we are sorry if your gasoline bills, utility bills, and heating bills double again. Suck it up, we need to do the right thing for the planet 50 years down the road.
And, don’t forget cap and trade. This will put a carbon tax on all manufacturers who emit too much carbon. You know this will add to global warming and the oceans may go up a foot in your lifetime and polar bears will surely die. Now, these jerks who emit carbon will get the message. Of course, they will pass the cost on to the consumer. If your gasoline, utility, and heating bills go up another 50%, we are sorry. The good news is that hundreds of new jobs will be created to make offsets to these carbon taxes. In landfills where they are flaring the methane, now they will capture it. Some smuck will pay them to do that. Not your government, but your employer if you work in manufacturing. If people buy less of what your company makes because they raised the price to cover the carbon tax, you might be laid off. We are sorry about that, but you will have gotten that nice tax credit from us and your unemployment will now be paid for a longer time. You should be all right despite your outrageous energy bills.
Now here’s something really good for you. If you now work for a non union company, some union thug and that guy at the shop who just got out of prison will come right to your house and sign you up to be a union supporter at the shop. If those two guys can get 51% of the shop to sign, you are now union. Your wages and benefits will be just like GM’s used to be. I know, GM is out of business, but it took years. I know your boss says he will shut down before he goes union, but he’s just bluffing. You will even get this opportunity if you work in non-manufacturing, like you greeters at Walmart. You can say, welcome to Walmart a union store. Everything in Walmart will have the union label. Even you. If Walmart has to raise prices because of high wages and benefits, we’re sorry. Especially if they eliminate the greeter job.
If your local bank gets bought out by Bank of America, that’s a good thing. The TARP money is designed just for that. We know that local banks behaved themselves and didn’t securitize mortgages and only made good loans. Now you will have big city banking right there in rural America. You will have to learn to use the ATM, since all the tellers including your wife will be laid off. She can go to work for the illegal alien who mows lawns in town since he has all the rights you have now.
Now I know at lot of this sounds like the Democratic Party has abandoned you and all the hard working Americans like you who don’t wear a tie to work. We feel your pain. It’s just that we’ve made lots of new friends over the years and they expect things from us too. Our environmental friends are impatient. They want us to get moving on the things that will destroy manufacturing, eliminate energy, and create mass unemployment. Our union friends got up $400 million for President Obama’s campaign and they want paybacks. You can see our dilemma, can’t you?
We’ll get back to your problems in a few years. In the meantime, you farmers, we are hanging in there with you. Farm subsidies and ethanol are top priorities. We know they increase food prices here and abroad, but someday we may need the farm vote.
