The Last Super Bowl As We Knew Them

February/06/2013 6:38AM
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The debt clock roars on. The unemployment rocks up. It’s worse since 8.5MM have stopped looking for work, making the real number 14.5%. Young college graduates with big student loans work at minimum wages taking your food orders. Despite this, with his laser precision on big issues, President Obama has turned his attention to football. He wants to change the sport. Too many injuries. Unlike gun control, he can stop football injuries. By executive order, he can create new rules. Let’s call it Liberal Football.

This will be Superbowl 49 played under liberal rules.

No tackling, it will be two hand touch. Below the waist, of course. Like his plan for the Boy Scouts, another high priority, this will make the game more accessible to gays.

All kickoffs, punts, and passes will be fair caught. Every wide receiver must catch 4 passes a game. (redistribution) There will be a maximum weight. (obesity must stop) No one over 250 pounds will be allowed to play. Pads will be added. Players will resemble the Michelin Man. All plays must be run to the left.

Owners will be taxed for every win. After all, these are some of the richest people in America. This will help with the deficit.

Blocking will be limited to slaps to the chest padding of the opposing player. No forearms or head slaps can be used by the defensive lineman.

If a player is knocked to the ground, it will be a 15 yard, personal foul penalty.

Referees will be added. There will no less than 20 referees for every game. They will be recruited from the IRS.

Ticket sales will be prioritized by need. Illegal immigrants will get first dibs. Followed by the chronically unemployed. Fox will no longer be allowed to cover games. Goal posts will be widened, to the left only.

These changes will virtually eliminate injuries. But, if one should occur the Department of Justice will prosecute the offending player for criminal charges.

Liberal Football is expected to catch on quickly in America, just like sales of the Volt and other tiny cars.

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