Chrysler and GM Makeovers

May/12/2009 19:14PM
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As a retired businessman, I’m very confused and concerned about the future of the two big car companies. With GM, I don’t know who the UAW negotiates labor contracts with, the government, I guess. With Chrysler, I guess they negotiate with themselves. I just can’t get my head around how this will work. When the labor contracts are up, who sits at the table?

Also, I don’t know how these two organizations can build and market automobiles. Neither has any experience. Who in their right mind would buy a car made by our government, the UAW, FIAT, or any combination of the three? This is going to take some very good marketing on some one’s part. I’m just the man for the job, since marketing was my speciality.

First, let’s look at brands. With Chrysler there will only be Dodge, Chrysler, and Jeep. With GM, Chevrolet, Buick, and Cadillac. The rest of the brands will be gone along with many of the dealers who sold them. And, many of the employees who made them.

New car names will be needed for the fuel efficient cars these companies will be making according to the President of the two companies, Barack Obama. Names are tricky. They are a big part of marketing. So many are already taken, it’s hard to find names you can trademark. Recognizing the new owners, it might be easier.

I have some names that fit the UAW. How about the Dodge Graft? Or the Chrysler Slacker? Or, the Jeep Scab? Or the Strike? Or, the Mobster? The Jeep Skimmer? These are all names everyone can associate with the new owner of Chrysler, and since Fiat means Fix it again Tony, new names are sorely needed. I’m guessing most of these car names are still available. Get that patent attorney on the phone, UAW, and lock these up.

GM is a different animal. The government will own more of GM than the UAW, so we need to look for names that all Americans associate with our government. Names that roll off your tongue. Names that stick. Names that aren’t taken.

So, GM, here are your new cars. The Chevy Gore. Runs on wind alone. Big prop on the front and back. Since, as of this week, we can’t use global warming, (like terrorism and the other banned names), the Chevy Gore will be the most fuel efficient car on the road. When it’s on the road. No wind, no drive. No heater, since none will be needed in 5 years. The ad campaign will be: watch the Gore bore through the air. Just two many puns here: Gore/bore, etc. It’s gotta sell.

For the rest of the GM fleet, names to consider will be: the Pork, the Earmark, the Pony Express(who is more efficient than the post office), the Filibuster, and the Deficit.

Now that we have the branding problem handled, how do we convince people to buy cars made by the UAW, the Government, and Fiat? It’s called bundling in the marketing world. If you buy any GM or Chrysler you get free health care. You get a free college education. You get free insurance from AIG, and if you do need financing, that’s free too from any of several government owned banks. Lifetime warranty. You just take the car to the nearest motor pool at the closest military base. Cars purchased from these two companies are immune from speeding tickets, licensing fees, and other nuisances that can be handled by an all caring government. You have all the perks politicians have enjoyed for years. If a fender or bumper falls off a UAW worker will come to your home and replace it. Maybe more than one, if work rules require more.

That’s it. That’s how our government, and their UAW and some one’s Fiat, will convince so many people to buy cars they make. Get your order in early.

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