The 2014 President Obama State of the Union Address: My Version

January/23/2014 5:56AM
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Hello Fellow Americans. As I embark on the 6th year as our president, I would like to reflect on my accomplishments. But, sadly there are none. True, I have spent trillions of your tax dollars, but the economy remains stagnant and jobs are scare. Especially, for minorities and young people. Yes, I have my signature piece of legislation, ObamaCare, but the efforts I’m making to drop that name reflect the problems that program is encountering. A mouthful of ashes for me.

I got the troops out of Iraq. Sure, we still have thousands of troops in Japan, Germany, and Korea, but I, the wisest of all past presidents, decided to take a different tactic. I pulled them all. Now, the hard-fought victory we got in Iraq is gone and the enemy has re-taken the country. I will try my best to get the same result in Afghanistan. Foreign relations have never been worse. I have managed to mismanage the entire Middle East. Our friends are mad at us, the Saudi’s and the Israeli’s, and our enemies have grown stronger. With help from John Kerry, we are telling you we will broker deals with Syria and Iran that will lead to a more peaceful Middle East. Basically, the Syrian deal was brokered by the Russians after my line in the sand fiasco, and the Iranians are pulling the wool over our eyes once again.

I’m continuing to stop the Keystone Pipeline project. Rail accidents now total four with almost 100 innocent people killed, but a pipeline is a scary thing. This country is moving to energy independence, despite my efforts to stop that progress. This year I will do more to stop domestic production. I will invest more in companies that fail, like Solyndra  to  keep the environmental vote in our camp. I will give more to unions for the same reason. I will close more coal power plants and replace them with plans to produce more clean energy, see Solyndra(above).  This will increase electric bills to the poor.

I will continue what I do best. I will raise money for me. I will heighten my class warfare programs. I will find more and more scapegoats to blame for my incompetence. I will improve my golf game. I will spend more time in Hawaii.

If you are expecting much from me in 2014, forget it. I hate this job. I know nothing of leadership. I am a campaigner and a fund-raiser. I will fire no one regardless of their performance. I will meet less with Republicans, I hate those guys. I will spend every dime I can spend and find more programs where more money can be spent. My goal is to get that debt to $20 trillion when I leave office and I’ve got to step up my game.

Whatever good happens to this country in 2014 will be despite me. Maybe those I love to blame will get some things done that help the economy, like sequester did last year. When it is clear that we will lose the senate in 2014 and more seats in the House, I plan to shut-it down completely. I didn’t sign on to deal with a mess like that. I will show them how well I can make that veto power work. I’ll rule by resolution unless the Supremes say I can’t.

So, in summary, expect more of the same from me. I’ll spin a few more tales( If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor, period), keep my head down, blame the world, and play a lot of golf and take a lot of nice trips. One change. Don’t expect me to be taking any more selfies of me with a hot chick since Michele is still pissed about that.

God Bless You, and God Bless America.

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