Dennis Miller and Will Rogers

June/16/2010 14:59PM
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Will Rogers was perhaps the best known American political comedian. No one was sacred. He blasted all with his humor. He was doing this in a very difficult time in this country. His humor helped people forget their problems.

Who can we turn to today? Ninety nine percent of big name comedians are far left liberals like Letterman. Saturday Nite Live is even further left. Obama is off limits for most of them. Even Joe Biden, the resident jester, the mother lode of material, is off limits. When did humorists decide they would be political? About the same time network news went that way? Hollywood would put them on the black list if they didn’t fall in line.

Here is some of Will’s work. Most of it is still relevant today.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.”

“On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.”

“There ought to be one day-just one-when there is open season on senators.”

“There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.”

“You can’t say that civilization don’t advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.”

“I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.”

“The man with the best job in the country is the vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, ‘How’s the President?'”

“I don’t care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am, but, darn it, I’m not going to give her to ’em.”

“The United States investigates everything-usually after it’s dead.”

“Elections are a good deal like marriages. There’s no accounting for anyone’s taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it’s the same with public officials.”

“If you ever injected truth into politics you’d have no politics.”

“The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.”

“If all politicians fished instead of spoke publicly, we would be at peace with the world.”

“Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians and I love to watch both of ’em play either back home in their native state or after they have been captured and sent to the zoo or to Washington.”

“If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, ‘America died from a delusion that she has moral leadership.

Here are a few quotes from Dennis Miller. A humorist today who is the closest we have to Will Rogers. Like Will, he tells it like it is. He, too, can make you laugh when we need to laugh. Humor will always be our best bromide for bad times.

“A new poll shows that Senator Kerry’s support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry’s appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away. ”

A recent police study found that you’re much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

Born again?! No, I’m not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

Elected office holds more perks than Elvis’ nightstand.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don’t they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.

I’m a comedian, for God’s sake. Viewers shouldn’t trust me. And you know what? They’re hip enough to know they shouldn’t trust me. I’m just doing stand-up comedy.

I’m like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn’t be in this problem.

It’s ironic that in our culture everyone’s biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.

Just put down 9/11… I think, on most things I’m liberal, except on defending ourselves and keeping half the money. Those things I’m kind of conservative on.

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don’t find these weapons of mass destruction. It’s enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again. (Bagdad)

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

Now, I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God’s way of letting you know that you’re having too good a time.

Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation’s highways.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.

recent conversation: Dubya: Look at the clock, time is racing! Cheney: That`s the second hand, George.

The radical right is so homophobic that they`re blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I`m getting screwed.

Parenting is the easiest job to get – you just have to screw up once and it`s yours.

The only way we were going to get the French to go into Iraq was to tell them we thought there were truffles in there.

On filmmaker Michael Moore during a 2003 episode of The Tonight Show: “He`s going to wake up every day for the rest of his life, and he`s going to tell us how he hates everything about this country except his right to hate it. And then we say that we love it and he`s going to tell us what naive sheep we are and that he`s the true patriot because he hates it and he sees all the problems in it. Yeah, right, Mike. You know something, if my yawn got any bigger they`d have to assign it a hurricane name, okay? Michael Moore simultaneously represents everything I detest in a human being and everything I feel obligated to defend in an American. Quite simply, it is that stupid moron`s right to be that utterly, completely wrong.”

These liberals are telling me that I should take it easy on the terrorists. They said that our founding fathers would have gone easier on them. They were, after all, for civil liberties. Let me ask you a question: Do you really think that our founding fathers would have put up with any of this shit? I mean, our founding fathers blew peoples` heads off because they put a tax on their morning beverage!

You like the Red Skelton painting? Buy the Red Skelton painting. You like “Home Improvement”? Tape it and go over it like the Zapruder film. It`s your life; live it on your terms.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

America may be the best country in the world, but that`s kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school

Keep it up, Dennis, we don’t have Will anymore and we need political humor. Good stuff.

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